Finding Peace After an Eating Disorder
by Cat Connor
When
I was in high school, I used to binge eat to pass the lonely weekends. I never had a date or a boyfriend, but
I always had food, and I used it to cope with the social experiences I felt I
was missing out on. I was heavier
than most of the girls in my class and tried multiple diets to look like them,
but I always reverted back to binge eating. Finally, my senior year of high school, I started to lose
weight, I got my first kiss, and people treated me more like one of the
crowd.
I got a lot of attention from boys my freshman year of college and I became obsessed with losing weight. I could never lose enough. From my highest weight in high school to my lowest weight in college, I lost about twenty five pounds, and I was never medically overweight to begin with. Some days I wouldn’t eat any more than 900 calories. Some weeks I would lose five pounds in a matter of days. Even though I was losing the weight that I wanted to lose, I was unhappy and had multiple complications in my relationships with my boyfriend, friends, and family. My behavior rendered me incapable of loving myself and so I didn’t believe other people when they would tell me they liked me or loved me.
Eventually, I had a hard time starving myself constantly and reverted back to binge eating. As soon as I started to gain weight from overeating, I started to throw up my food regardless of the portion size. I was living at home at the time and my mother put me in outpatient treatment for my eating disorders. I was seeing four doctors each week: a physician, a counselor, an eating disorder psychologist, and a nutritionist. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to gain weight, but since medical professionals were telling me that it was okay and the books I was required to read told me I would be healthier in the long run from not starving myself, I did what they said. I was also still in a relationship with the same boy from my freshman year of college and wanted to love myself so that I could love him. I wanted to repair the distance between me and my parents and be able to go out with my friends (I had stopped going out with them because I was afraid I would be tempted to eat).
I got a lot of attention from boys my freshman year of college and I became obsessed with losing weight. I could never lose enough. From my highest weight in high school to my lowest weight in college, I lost about twenty five pounds, and I was never medically overweight to begin with. Some days I wouldn’t eat any more than 900 calories. Some weeks I would lose five pounds in a matter of days. Even though I was losing the weight that I wanted to lose, I was unhappy and had multiple complications in my relationships with my boyfriend, friends, and family. My behavior rendered me incapable of loving myself and so I didn’t believe other people when they would tell me they liked me or loved me.
Eventually, I had a hard time starving myself constantly and reverted back to binge eating. As soon as I started to gain weight from overeating, I started to throw up my food regardless of the portion size. I was living at home at the time and my mother put me in outpatient treatment for my eating disorders. I was seeing four doctors each week: a physician, a counselor, an eating disorder psychologist, and a nutritionist. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to gain weight, but since medical professionals were telling me that it was okay and the books I was required to read told me I would be healthier in the long run from not starving myself, I did what they said. I was also still in a relationship with the same boy from my freshman year of college and wanted to love myself so that I could love him. I wanted to repair the distance between me and my parents and be able to go out with my friends (I had stopped going out with them because I was afraid I would be tempted to eat).
The love of my friends and family promoted the desire to leave my eating disorders and take up healthy habits.
As
soon as I participated in my own treatment and ceased to resist it, I
saw
results. I started to look at
myself and like what I saw. I
began to eat without having an anxiety attack. I stopped throwing up my
food. I exercised and built muscle, retaining a slender, yet
better, physique because my body was strong. Treatment for an eating
disorder will never work if the
individual doesn’t want help. I
would still be throwing up or starving myself every day if I hadn’t made
the
choice to change my negative behavior.
Perhaps the most helpful element of my treatment was the knowledge that I gained from my doctors and medical literature that I was required to read. Before I started treatment, I had the delusion that eliminating certain types of food like fat and carbohydrates would make me skinnier. However, knowing that carbs provide energy and good fat helps move nutrients throughout the body changed my perspective on what I consumed. I used my eating disorder education to create a fitness routine with a personal trainer and meal plan with a nutritionist. Once I was up to a healthy weight, I could eat carbohydrates and fat in moderation and not gain weight. In fact, maintaining a slender physique was easier for me when I ate and exercised properly than when I didn’t eat at all.
In conjunction with my medical treatment, I began repairing my relationships with my friends, family, and boyfriend. They had been hurt by the way I prioritized my obsession with losing weight over my relationships with them. I started putting time into outings with my friends and writing letters to my boyfriend (he was on a mission trip with the LDS church at the time). These people responded with love, but no one so much as my mother, the woman who had put forth all of her time into my recovery. She took me to every appointment I had and made sure that I had the right food for my plan. In return, I stopped isolating myself from her and we formed a genuine relationship. The love of my friends and family promoted the desire to leave my eating disorders and take up healthy habits.
Some days I still see the fat girl in the mirror, regardless of my weight. But when I remember that my family and friends love me regardless of my size and that I have alternatives that help me look good without restricting my calories, I stop the mental train that leads to compulsive eating disorder behaviors. Living with an eating disorder is a lifelong process, but I found inner peace through love and genuine science.
Perhaps the most helpful element of my treatment was the knowledge that I gained from my doctors and medical literature that I was required to read. Before I started treatment, I had the delusion that eliminating certain types of food like fat and carbohydrates would make me skinnier. However, knowing that carbs provide energy and good fat helps move nutrients throughout the body changed my perspective on what I consumed. I used my eating disorder education to create a fitness routine with a personal trainer and meal plan with a nutritionist. Once I was up to a healthy weight, I could eat carbohydrates and fat in moderation and not gain weight. In fact, maintaining a slender physique was easier for me when I ate and exercised properly than when I didn’t eat at all.
In conjunction with my medical treatment, I began repairing my relationships with my friends, family, and boyfriend. They had been hurt by the way I prioritized my obsession with losing weight over my relationships with them. I started putting time into outings with my friends and writing letters to my boyfriend (he was on a mission trip with the LDS church at the time). These people responded with love, but no one so much as my mother, the woman who had put forth all of her time into my recovery. She took me to every appointment I had and made sure that I had the right food for my plan. In return, I stopped isolating myself from her and we formed a genuine relationship. The love of my friends and family promoted the desire to leave my eating disorders and take up healthy habits.
Some days I still see the fat girl in the mirror, regardless of my weight. But when I remember that my family and friends love me regardless of my size and that I have alternatives that help me look good without restricting my calories, I stop the mental train that leads to compulsive eating disorder behaviors. Living with an eating disorder is a lifelong process, but I found inner peace through love and genuine science.
Cat Conner is a senior at BYU-Idaho and will be
graduating this July. Afterward
she will study law at the University of Leeds in England. She still works on her eating disorder
every day and maintains a passion for personal health and fitness.